Over the past three years I have had the opportunity to talk to many people about childcare. These conversations have arisen mainly because of my job as a male childminder and because my wife and I have reversed roles which has given me the opportunity and responsibility of being the primary care giver to our five children. The conversations have mainly centred on the ability of men to take on the role of primary care giver and their apparent reluctance to do so leading to more fundamental questions concerning the role of men and women in society.
While women are becoming increasingly involved in occupations that have traditionally been dominated by men, such as firefighting, lorry driving and engineering, few men appear to have chosen careers traditionally dominated by women such as secretaries, midwifery, and nowhere is this reluctance more apparent than in the field of childcare, either professionally or as the primary source of childcare in the family home. Of course some men are forced into the role of primary care giver through bereavement or divorce, but very few take the positive step of reversing roles to care full time for their children. Even fewer take on the job of caring for young children professionally as day nursery leaders or childminders. Three years ago there were less than a handful of male childminders in the country and today the number has only slightly increased.
Why are men apparently reluctant to participate more fully in all aspects of childcare either as a parent or professionally? Without doubt the main reason is because of social stereotyping.
Traditionally boys have been brought up to believe they must become the breadwinner of the family while girls have accepted that they will become mothers and tend to the domestic needs of the family. Even the type of games that parents encourage their children to play with are a clear indication of the role they are expected to adopt. Boys play with cars, construction kits and aggressive toys whereas girls are given dolls, tea sets and Wendy houses. This conditioning is very powerful and I get the impression from many of the men that I have spoken to that they would feel uneasy and frustrated if they could not fulfil their role as breadwinner. This feeling of inadequacy can be further highlighted if his partner is able to find work while he is not. However many women are in a similar position in that they are not willing or able to challenge the role that society has allotted them and this can lead to feelings of frustration and inferiority as they remain trapped in a system that does not allow them to explore their potential.
Because childcare has traditionally been thought of as a feminine role, for a man to take on this role full time can result in questions concerning his sexual identity and self image as conditioning has led us to believe that men are tough and assertive while women are sensitive and compassionate and many men would find it difficult and embarrassing to publicly display the softer side of their character. Some men would feel very isolated and awkward if they took over the childcare role full time as they tend to feel more comfortable in the company of male colleagues whereas their day caring for children and the home will be one in which they will find themselves the only man in the crowd, for example at school assemblies, Mothers and Toddlers groups (should that be Parents and Toddlers), shopping, social events held during the day, etc.
I would also suggest that it is not in the interests of many women for men to take a more active role in childcare as it is one of the few areas where women have been able to feel superior to men. Men have been slow to accept that women are as capable as them in many areas of work as it threatens their feelings of power and dominance over women and it would not be surprising if women felt the same reluctance to relinquish their domination in this particular field. I have felt that over the years I have posed a threat to some women because of my ability and willingness to keep a clean and tidy house, to cook, sew, iron, etc., for example some mothers will make a point of looking for my home baked contribution to the school cake sale to see how it compares with their own. I am asked questions such as 'How do you cope?' or 'Why does your house always look cleaner and tidier than mine?' If I am honest and say that I do not find it a problem then I am in danger of making the questioners feel inadequate and inferior. Obviously, if women want more freedom of choice in the role that they play then men will have to accept a more prominent role in childcare and this will not occur if they are not encouraged to participate.
The attitude of many men to the practical aspects of childcare is hardly creditable. How often do we hear men say 'Oh, I would not know how to change a nappy', or 'I let my wife bath the baby, I would be all fingers and thumbs and anyway she is much better than me at that sort of thing'. This type of statement is made by men who will often have to perform intricate tasks at work involving a high degree of initiative, manual dexterity with confidence but are unable to cope with simple tasks in the home. Who are they trying to kid? This form of flattery is designed to keep women in the home by instilling the notion that without their superior skills the children would suffer and the house would come crashing down. This is simply not true as many men, who find themselves on their own through bereavement or divorce with young children, will testify.
If both sexes had truly equal opportunities, free from discrimination and stereotyping from the time they are born, society may be freed from the shackles of convention and the closed shop attitude still prevalent in many areas. Couples, starting their life together, could decide on such matters as, who has the best job prospects and earnings potential, who preferred to go out to work, who preferred to stay at home managing the domestic arrangements, who felt the need or are best able to care for the children etc. In this way the quality of the individuals' lives would improve as they would, where practical, be involved in activities that they enjoy and this could alleviate the stress and boredom suffered by many men and women who at present feel unable to break free from the constraints of stereotyping.
When my children were born I felt a natural desire to involve myself in all aspects of childcare, and the experiences gained during this time gave me the confidence needed when later, as a single parent, I took on the full time job of caring for my three daughters (then aged one, five and nine).
When I remarried, fundamental decisions had to be made about the future roles my wife and I were going to adopt. My wife had been pursuing a promising career while I had been at home caring for my children so we looked at our new family situation (we now had five children between us, one who was under school age) and we discussed the needs of the family, our respective earning potentials, our views on our need to go out to work, and any other relevant factors. We agreed that my wife had better career prospects, she preferred to go to work than cope with the domestic arrangements while I felt no desperate desire to return to work and was quite happy to continue in the role to which I had become accustomed. Being at home during the day also enabled me to tackle jobs that normally would have been done during the evenings or weekends which meant that we had more time for ourselves and our family. The result was that we were both doing what we wanted to do and it appeared to be a more efficient use of our resources.
Eventually we decided that we needed a second income to help the family budget and as the youngest was not at school it would be ideal if I could work from home. I looked at the skills that I could immediately put to use and childminding seemed an obvious choice. I realised from the outset that I might experience prejudice being a man in a traditionally female environment but nevertheless I took the necessary steps to become registered and was encouraged by the favourable attitude of Social Services. Since then I have looked after many children ranging from 12 weeks old to 3½ years old including two who have been with me for over two years. As a childminder I give the same love and attention that I give to our own children and I ensure that I am sensitive to their individual needs and development. Apart from being a responsible job (I am caring for what most parents would consider is the most important and precious thing in their lives) it is also a lot of fun which brings me a great deal of pleasure and job satisfaction. Of course being a childminder is a novel occupation for a man and I did receive a lot of attention when I started and there were times when I felt self-conscious, especially when I attended a childminding conference and discovered that I was the only man amongst 200 delegates.
So why do not more men see childminding as a possible job that they are capable of doing especially in these times of high unemployment? Obviously sexual stereotyping is an important factor in that men consider such jobs as being strictly for women. I also think that men are not encouraged to the point of being actively discouraged from being involved in this occupation. All the literature that I have read on childminding talks in terms of her and she, (even my registration document refers to me as her). It is also my view that many men underestimate the value and responsibility of childcare and do not appreciate the skills required in caring for young children during their most formative and impressionable years. Very few fathers would list childcare in a list of skills that they could use in their career. It also takes a particular type of person to become a pioneer, not necessarily an extrovert but someone who believes in their own ability and is prepared to stand up for their right to enter their preferred career.
The youngest children that I care for do not see it as odd that I, as a man, will cook, sew, iron etc., whereas the older children (7+) who come to the house do express surprise. If more men became responsible for caring for their children this would give more women the opportunity to work if they wish so that future generations might not be restricted by social conditioning. The pooling of resources and the broader spectrum of views and ideas expressed by men and women working together could benefit many aspects of our lives. Will it happen? I must confess that I am not too optimistic as I believe that the conditioning process through successive generations, in advertising, in schools and many other areas is too powerful to overcome. My own children have experiences at school which reveals that many teachers do not take the hopes and aspirations of girls seriously and that boys are still expected to become the breadwinner.
It would need a monumental effort to eradicate all traces of sex role stereotyping from our society and the progress that has been made so far suggests we have a long way to go. This is a pity as men are excluding themselves from a role that can be extremely rewarding and is free from the pressures often experienced in other occupations. I feel very fortunate to have become involved in the care of children, it is an experience that I am glad not to have missed.
Copyright © Achilles Heel Collective
If you've enjoyed reading this article on-line please consider subscribing to the magazine.
