I woke up last night
And the air smelt off:
There was disease all around,
It was making me cough.

My head started to spin,
I did not know which way to turn,
So I got into my car
And started to burn
Rubber.

Down the freeway and into the dark,
I drove my car through the middle of a park,
Beeping my horn and making a noise,
Screaming “Wake up!” at the top of my voice.

No one awoke, or so it did seem,
And so, again, I started to scream:
“Have you all gone crazy, or is this a bad dream?
Where on earth did the sane people go?
Answer my question, does anybody know?”

There was still no reply, so I started to drive,
And with my head out the window, I yelled:
“You’ll never take me alive.”

I don’t know why I bothered:
No one seemed to hear,
And so through a line of traffic cones
I started to steer.

Suddenly, in the distance I could see a light,
Where two strange men were having a fight.
They were dressed in suits but covered in blood,
As they punched each other hard in the head,
Screaming at each other: “I’ll make you dead”,
And so I drove in their direction
And asked what was the matter?

“He said I’m thin and I say he’s fatter,
And so we must fight ‘cause we had no choice:
We could hear you screaming at the top of your voice,
And so we were just impelled to fight.
We heard everything you said,
And we both agree, you are totally right.”

It was a strange kind of answer indeed,
But at least they stopped fighting, at least they agreed.
“We’re going now”, they said to me,
“You’ve really helped us, set us free:
We were confused, you see,
But now we’re not,
And it’s all thanks to you.”

I did not know what to say or do,
So I lifted my hands up towards the sky,
And started singing my favourite song,
Called ‘The Right Answer is Never Wrong’.

I wrote it myself, several years ago,
Whilst living in an igloo, surrounded by snow,
Cold and alone with nowhere to go.
In this moment of sadness I had crafted a beautiful tune,
Which I now sang quite loudly to the stars and the moon.
“Carry me away in a balloon”,
Is how the chorus went,
“Protect me from evil, give me money to pay the rent,
If I get evicted, give me a tent.”

The song was great
And the moment felt right,
Stood there singing in the night.
No one was listening to me
But I didn’t really care,
So I took off my clothes and stood there bare.

I was a singer at last,
My life’s ambition had come true,
And as there was nothing left to do,
I silently plodded back to my car
And drove it away.

I did not drive home, since I have nowhere to stay,
But I travelled all the way through night
Until I entered the day,
Then in my boredom
I threw my car away.


© 2000 Matt Everett