(The only magazine in the world that has to be smuggled out to its subscribers)
Issue #3 Apr/May 98
Siamese: True Stories (cartoon)
(The only magazine in the world that has to be smuggled out to its subscribers)
Issue #3 Apr/May 98
Siamese: True Stories (cartoon)
On a rising tide of panic, with massive debts, a fleeing depositor base (as of 15th April, Japs can now invest oversees), and a falling Yen, the Jap. Banking sector looks set to die a messy death. Sony chairman of the board announced he feared a ‘Great Depression Style collapse, and called the Jap Prime Minister the Herbert Hoover of Japan (an insulting reference to the do-nothing US President in office at the start of The Great Depression of the 30s). P.M. Hashimo did not respond to the Sony Chairman’s remarks, beyond the usual nonsense about how everything was under control. Yeah.. Sure! We believe in Santa Claus and The Easter Bunny too!
Thai Banks: Dead and Stinking
The Central Bank of Thailand, admitting what everyone already knew, stated that Thailand was bankrupt, and that the ‘real suffering of the Thai people would now begin.
With all but a pathetic handful of banks (out of an original 108) dead as doornails, its back to gold necklaces and mattresses for the few Thai’s with money left to hide.
It seems the only ones unaware that Thailand is economically dead are the Thai’s themselves! However this is unsurprising, when one considers the stupidity and gross incompetence that got them into the mess in the first place. The only question now is how many of the ignorant creatures have to starve to death before they figure out that they’re in trouble.
Thai New Year/ Water Festival: (Dry as a Bone)
Making Thai misery complete, ‘El Nino’ (drought weather in Asia) ruined any slight enjoyment the Thai’s might have gained from their New Year.
This year, the traditional Songkran Festival’ lacked the one thing it’s noted for- Water! Reservoirs and canals are bone dry; rivers are at record low levels and the winter rice crop died in the fields- paddies cracked, with clay-hard mud.
The government, as usual offered only sympathy, and of course announced it would come up with a rescue package sometime later for the farmers
For the third time in as many months, rice farmers in the north-east province of Isaan threatened to march on Bangkok to demand relief. Also as usual, the governments to blockade roads with army troops, while publicly mumbling silly lies that help would be forthcoming soon. An uneasy stalemate prevails. So much for a Happy New Year! Ha!
Other Weird Shit:
The King:
Formerly, every damn night on TV his majesty was given half an hour to an hour on the ‘News’, even if it was just old, over-used clips. But for the last few months, not so much as a peep about him on TV. What’s the deal? A fatal heart attack? No-ones saying anything!Food Shortages:
Finest grade rice- a normal Thai staple has been unavailable in BKK shops for over 2 months. Other common food items are also in short supply. Only a monkey couldn’t’ work it out.
Notice to non-paying Readers – Be Ye Forewarned
So far the Editor’s of BKT have smiled benignly on piracy, imagining the spread far and wide of our little publication would eventually bring in enough revenue from gratefully amused readers to at least cover mailing and distribution costs- and even possibly, with luck enough to buy a decent meal.
HOWEVER, to date, we have one subscriber (sorry Dad, we’d count you as two but it’s too much of a gift to be fair)- from Scotland no less! And the rest of you tight bastards are laughing as we slowly starve! If therefore behoves us to consider more radical alternatives. For Example: A) Assassins-for-Hire are dirt cheap in Thailand. B) It’s easy to track own copies of the BKT wherever they’ve gone and C) Match the two with cheap ‘bucket-shop flights on Polish Airways. Not Really just kidding folks! But seriously, have a heart will ya?
Even if you don’t want to subscribe to a whole year, good ol’ Robert (our UK & Intl. Distribution agent) will be happy to credit you future copies (£4 each) on a news-stand type basis. Or if you’re too skint for that send a pound or a few pence to at least cover the cost of the bribes to get this damned thing smuggled out – it would be appreciated.
Odds & Ends
On a similar note (but closer to pure beggary) anyone out there who’s got any odds and ends you might think somehow, in some way would be useful to people in prison. Send on to Robert Please!
In fact, even if you don’t think it’ll be useful, send it anyway! We’re trying to work out some sort of contest idea – so all suggestions as well as contributions are welcome. More on this as it develops – but please mail stuff!
Thai Food/Cooking (Horrors Revealed)
I Love the English language; and it therefore pains me to abuse and torment the meanings of words. But in this instance I have no alternative. I speak of (with great reluctance) of Thai ‘food’ or ‘cooking’ both word meanings here being stretched to the breaking point where they begin to scream like men tortured on a medieval rack.
What Thai’s eat- aside from their staple of rice & fish heads; bears only the slightest most remote of resemblance’s to what Westerners would consider as edible. More appropriate words, however (such as swill; ‘biological waste’ or ‘organic toxins’) fail to convey the facts that : A) The creatures exert actual effort to make these ‘dishes’, and B) consume them with real delight. The terms ‘food’, ‘cooking’,’dishes’ etc. must be given the greatest latitude, and forgive the author his necessarily brutal twisting of our native tongue.
Before proceeding to a classification of Thai ‘Gastronomy’, it should be noted
That it is possible to persuade a Thai to leave out ‘crucial’ ingredients, and thus end up with an edible dish. This is like telling the folks at ‘McDonalds’ to eliminate cheese, lettuce, tomato, special sauces, and the bun and calling what’s left a ‘cheeseburger’. This is roughly the case with Thai restaurants in Western countries (that is in the rare instances when actual ‘Thai’ dishes are offered, as opposed to the much more common variants on recipes stolen from ‘Chinese Takeaways’). Should a Thai restaurant in the West try to serve ‘REAL’ Thai food, they’d promptly be arrested for 1000+ health food violations- not to mention attempted murder from poisonings. But I digress. The point is, the starting ingredients of Thai dishes are not always disgusting and/or hideous, it takes some work to get them there.
Thai dishes can be roughly divided into four categories. These are ‘Slimies’, ‘Bities’, ‘Crawlies’ and ‘Nasties’. Some long-term expats insist on a fifth category ‘Scaries’, but I’ve lumped it under ‘Nasties’ to avoid undue complexities.
‘
Slimies’: As the name implies these dishes whose main characteristic is ‘Sliminess’ and as such includes normally slimy stuff like oysters, some octopoid seafood’s, and things jellied in ‘snot-like sauces. There is a crossover here with the ‘Nasties’ category, but in general they can be distinguished by dishes whose texture is horrific (Slimies) versus dishes whose taste or smell is repulsive (Nasties)The Author does not know or want to know the names and ingredients of these ‘Dishes’. Just having to see and small them daily, indeed merely knowing of their existence is quite bad enough. They’re mentioned purely as a cautionary measure, and also because they’re so popular with Thai’s! – Ugh!
‘Bities’:
This group encompasses two types of dishes. One type contains materials, which were they still alive (& in some cases they are) bite or sting. Catfish tentacles, eel-whiskers mud-crabs and mud-lobsters etc. Bad as these are, they are better than the second type of ‘Bitey’ which ‘bite’ the diner via the taste. Sadly, the author can do little to protect the reader from accidentally stumbling on a ‘Bitey’ dish, beyond advising one to avoid Thai ‘cooking’ entirely. To make matters worse, of the four categories, ‘Bitey’ dishes tend to be the most deceptive, often smelling and appearing to be perfectly edible (better to trick the unwary into taking a mouthful)‘Crawlies’:
This covers many a Thai favourite, snake dishes, insect dishes, and food that make ones skin or stomach ‘crawl’. I include here staples like chicken’s feet boiled until they look like babies hands, pig snouts roughly shaved into bits of gristle, served with a vile entrail, under-cooked fish innards & so on.‘Nasties’:
A category that covers the majority of Thai cooking. The principal ingredient of ‘Nasty’ dishes is a Thai ‘delicacy’ called ‘Hundred-day fish’. To make this ‘delicacy’, a fish is buried in a jar for several months, until it is beyond putrid. This unspeakably revolting substance is then added as a condiment to any number of other items for a truly hideous variety of cooking. That it is not instantly fatal to the one eating it is a miracle of the Thai digestive system – another mystery yet to be explained by science.There are many, many other ‘dishes’ which could be added to this admittedly short list. But the author hopes you’ll excuse him, as the bile begins to rise after repeating these monstrous ‘recipes from hell’. I’m just too sickened to repeat any more about the awful subject.
There is one more thing though. This article has been about the food the Thai’s prepare for themselves when they can afford it. Imagine then, the food offered to prisoners in prison. Shudder. More on that maybe! Bon Appetit!
Science Corner: This Issue - Entomology
For those readers who’re a bit rusty on their biology, life forms are divided into various ‘taxa’ (groups) of similar organisms. By far the most numerous of species is ‘Class Insecta’ (over 8000000 known species). If you throw in ‘Class Arachnida’ (spiders and such), these two classes comprise around 90% of all living things. Most of them seem to have chosen to live in Thailand to torment BKT’s editors. Below are pictures of a tiny portion of the spectrum of creatures that our daily companions, along with proper nomenclature (might as well know exactly what’s biting, leeching or stinging you, eh?)
A proper list of every damned wretched vermin afflicting us would stretch to thousands of pages (and would sound suspiciously like whinging). We doubtless are squashing hundreds of new unknown species every day, but this sort of scientific fame is beyond our patience.
Actually, he’s about 50kg and skinny as a beanpole. Still he’s older than me and the best teacher I’ve ever had, and of course the most unlikely looking candidate as most good teachers are, they always portray the exact opposite.
When I first arrived her, I had to go to the hospital for a period of 5-6 weeks for an ankle infection (see # 2 on Thai Medicine). On my daily visit, Fang was also going as he had chest problems with TB among other things (TB is rife in here). He introduced himself in only just passable English "Hello, I Fang", and shortly afterwards we became friends. Fang is a unique character, a chameleon in fact, who drifts through his sentence as if invisible.
Fang was a Captain in the Red Army who got involved in the Burmese heroin business, and ended up in a shootout. Luckily he managed to grab a hostage for long enough to get in front of the TV cameras that were present. The hostage was then released and he was handcuffed. Had he not done this, the Thai police would definitely have shot him, even if he surrendered (it happens all the time). During his 7-day stay in the police station he was repeatedly beaten, so badly he still suffers the after effects years later.
As friendships grew, he taught me the way of Tao Krough Acupuncture & Qi Gong (exercises to build internal energy). I am adapting the teachings to Yon Don BK Do, which I founded in here (see # 1). Through respect as one would in China I call him ‘Big Brother’.
Just recently he’s been moved to another building after teaching me for 2 years (but we still keep in touch). I now know what I really want out of life, and the path to take, even in here. Big brother Fang, "Thank You eternally, for showing the Tao I will never forget you.
by Johnny Wheeler
‘Lard Yao: (prison Next To Bombat)’
Lard Yao is a facility in Bangkok for prisoners serving ‘short term’ sentences. Meaning less than 33 years!
It’s part of Klom Prem Central Prison, of which ‘Bombat’ is also a part (see # 2) and Bangkok Special Prison, which is reserved for non-drug cases. Lard Yao is yet another slave camp –one of the biggest in south-east Asia – with well over 15000 prisoners. I believe it was originally built by the Japs in WW2. The guards in each building are bigger than most to be found in any of the other Bangkok prisons. Some people are transferred here whilst their cases are still ongoing. Lard Yao is slightly better than Bombat for two reasons. Firstly, there’s more space, and secondly a few less seal like clubbings, since these are conducted inside buildings for secrecy – too many people are regularly from Lard Yao on small sentences.
One guard in particular is a monster – he used to shoot ball-bearings from a slingshot at defenceless prisoners huddled in the corner of locked cells (12’x14’). The same creature beat a Malaysian prisoner to death a few years back, and was merely demoted to ‘factory boss’ in a different building –the poor guy! He’s a murderer with a real ‘Carte Blanche’ to kill.
On the minus side of Lard Yao are the ‘Samurai’s’. These are Thai’s whose life is so fucked up (literally no skills, so money, no family, no friends, no brains etc.) they will do literally anything for chump change. This includes stabbing, thievery, and every other evil act you can think of. They’re easily recognisable by their scars – they heavily mutilate themselves with knife slashes across the chest, arms, face etc. then they rub ash into the wounds to leave a livid red scar.
One Last Note:
Congratulations to Daniel Westlake (not his real name). The first foreigner to successfully escape from a Thai prison (back in August ’96) Way to go Daniel!
If you are wondering what the cat pictures are about – in Thai jails the cats are allowed into the rooms shit in the squatter. I kid you not! How the Thai’s train the cats is unknown. The pictures are a guess.
by Johnny Wheeler
Poetry Etc: ‘Death Haiku’s’
The Haiku’s:
No destination Is reached by clouds in the sky; Only constant change. Born as a larvae. Solid as death; a pupae A free butterfly.
Many people are familiar with the Japanese poetry form called the Haiku. Generally it is a three, four or five line poem that must rigidly adhere to a certain number of syllables per line. The Haiku’s here follow the oldest traditional form of three lines, with 5, 7 and 5 syllables each, respectively. Further a Haiku must express some deeper meaning or philosophy. The ‘best’ Haiku’s are those with several layers of meaning, and that simultaneously convey a sense of the poets world view, or outlook on life.
The heights of Haiku composition were reached in the 16th and 17th centuries. The apogee of the form is the ‘death’ Haiku’ this was the poem written by noblemen just prior to their committing ‘Puku’ (ritual suicide). The quality and control displayed in the Haiku of a man facing immediate death was considered the ultimate artistry.
Later as ritual suicide became less frequent (whereas it was once the principal means of overlords disciplining their feudal vassals for real and imagined crimes). The death Haiku was written by the most gifted or accomplished Samurai in advance of battles or individual combat. In this context, it came to symbolise an acceptance of deaths inevitability, and a mark of distinction.
The poems written here are the actual Death Haiku’s of the BKT’s Editors. It is best if one follows the old Japanese cleansing ritual associated with the death haiku’s, which the editors recommend. First face the fact (with no wriggling and in all its implications) that you will die some day. Second, clearly imagine that you’re death is imminent (say tomorrow at dawn). Third and last, sum up your life, and try to express in simple words what lessons you’ve learned, or the meaning and/or philosophy of life you had within the confines of the Haiku.
If you’ve followed the steps truly and well, you’ve made peace with you’re life and no longer fear death a better and stronger person. Consider this a gift from the BKT Editors, who’ve done it out of necessity. Cheers!
This is the absolute, honest-to-God truth. No bullshit! In the hospital here in BangKwang is a guy some of the crueller foreigners call ‘Flipper’. He got his name due to the fact he has no arms or legs, and only vestigial, flipper like protuberances where his arms should be. He was deformed at birth.
No one knows what his crime was. What crime could he possibly have committed? Anyone who’d like to submit their ideas on the subject would be welcome; because frankly the BKT Editors are puzzled as hell. Neither of us could imagine a single crime that an armless, legless, illiterate Thai could commit that would merit a life sentence!
Any ideas anyone? We’d love top hear ‘em!
SPECIAL WANTED AD: Employment Offer.
Career Opportunities in Slave Trade
Consider a new, exciting, high paying job in the Royal Thai Army Special Forces as a slave trader. NO CAPITAL NECESSARY!
The slave trade in refugees from along both the Burmese and Cambodian borders is a sure growth industry. Westerners needed to help manage and organise this fast paced, high profit margin business.
For self-starters only, this is a career where motivation and know how count for everything.
Apply with your nearest high ranking army officer, TODAY
Toilet Training #1
Toilet Training #2
