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Diving Officers Report 2004 Personally I blame Dave Spriggs and Paul
Waddell. Of course it's their fault! They started the ball rolling with the
Red Sea trip and you lot didn’t know when to stop. More dives than the club
has ever done in a year and a Dive Monster with a disgustingly high score. So
disgusting in fact that only one loony has exceeded it. Between you there has
been almost 2200 dives logged. And check this out, over 51% in the salty
stuff. How on earth could an inland branch achieve
such an obscene total? The answer to that question would have been obvious to
anyone insane enough to have been at Dosthill on Thursday night 18th
November. Yes they were open in that horrendous snow blizzard. All but 2
divers were Prima, surprise, surprise! If that won’t stop you lot nothing
will. And as for the warmer months, you could not
get a fill fast enough. Computers were fizzing and dry suits never dried out,
let alone their occupants. Before the smell of the Red Sea had left our sets,
one in particular, we were at it again. The Boat Handling course provided
another excuse to dive. Swiftly followed by Challaborough. One party even
managed to dive The East Rutts, sweet but hard work. The Louis Sheid however
was easy and pretty as ever. Not to mention The Journeys End. No it's not a
bl--dy wreck! One track mind! It’s a real ale pub, which among its repertoire
sports R.C.H.East Street Cream. Don’t get exited Aggi it’s a beer not a
pudding. Fortunately, with it being Lin's trip, everyone was kept on a tight
leash. (lie mode cancel) Next up was the Farnes trip run by Chris. I
had never been through Newcastle on Tyne before and I dare not return. Well I
had no idea what was happening. Honest. As true as I'm riding this camel.
First indications were a horrible burnt diesely sort of taste to the Haribo
Star Mix. Then came the blue/grey cloud followed by a lot of shouting,
swearing and sounding of horns. Star Bug, so it turned out, was on its last
legs and looking at the other drivers, I was as popular as a frog in a demand
valve. Something I'm not use to. {lie mode cancel, again}Great skill, oh all
right, shear jam enabled us to limp the last 30 or so miles to Sea Houses.
Arriving at our accommodation I managed to upset the owner by almost running
over her dog with 'Puffing Billy' and then choking them both to death. Well
it was having a leak in the gutter, very dangerous actually. An Irish man
once died teaching his dog to wee in the gutter. He fell off the roof.
Despite all this and a slightly dodgy air fill, we had a great time. Diving
was super, Whirl Rocks in particular and an encounter with an 8 metre, oh all
right 8 foot man eating seal at The Hopper which came close to scaring the
fertiliser out of Tim and me. Without any concern for my own safety, I
bravely protected my buddy from any potential attack, behind his twin 15s.
Wasn’t hiding! That’s a lie! Going home was sadder than ever. 250 miles with
AA Relay. Star Bug was deader than Tank Tops, but full marks to Chris. Somewhere in all this mayhem training was
still going on, thanks to enthusiastic instructors. But Lin and I had a
dilemma. We had but a few weeks to find Star Bug 2. Well come on Dudes, the
beer alone would have filled the Saxo and Scotland was calling. Luckily and
just in time, we found the perfect replacement for the perfect owner. WATCH
IT! I heard that. How I love loading up for Mull. The convoy
meeting at Greasy Lil's, breakfast at Locherbie, pick up whiskey at The Green
Wellie, then on to Lochaline. "Can we go diving Mr. D.O." they
cried 10 minutes after arriving. "Not on the flood". See what I
mean? There were priorities anyway. In the interests of safety I checked The
Loch for Crocs with my famous Crocodile call, while Fay searched the
undergrowth for signs of 'Jaygwars'. They can be really mean by crikey. Happily,
we were able to declare the area safe. Diving commenced next day courtesy of Alan
Livingstone and Peregrin. It was good to be back. I never get tired of diving
these wrecks. We even managed to gather some seafood to supplement our
monumental supply of scran. After exploring The Loch for a few days we moved
on to Skye. Some dived on the way up with us regrouping at The Kyle of
Lochalsh for the Port Napier. Stunning or what! Skye was no anti-climax
either with a wide variety of diving on offer. This time it was Phil Chris
and Clive who had the fertiliser scared out of them, by a monster seal in a
cave no less. Paul made a determined put for the much-coveted brass donkey,
by diving with only one of his 20 kilo intigrates. As we were well into deco
I searched desperately for a lump to place in the miscreants stab. Since the
smallest of rocks available would have filled our garden, I aborted the idea
and opted for plan B. This involved me sending up the delay, then hanging on
to both reel and a substantial kelp tree like I would a Sherbet Fountain.
Paul then ascended with stops whilst I surfaced some 10 minutes later.
Marshall on duty felt someone needed smacking round the head with a stocking
full of sh--. Bear in mind this was the most experienced group of the 2
trips. Everyone was more than contented when we left, exept those who missed
the Tandoori Scallops, my word how sad. John's turn followed. It was almost
scuppered by some lousy smeg heads who tried to have it away with the club
boat wrecking the trailer in the process. Undaunted our man hired a hard boat
to secure what turned out to be another first class Farnes week. Nice one
Dude. The numbers where mounting fast. The poor guy hardly had time to get his
breath back, when he was swept up into Mull/Skye number 2. Incidentally, I've
just run out of beer and am sipping aniseed-flavoured tricoethylene. During the brief I promised that every less
experienced diver would return a better and more experienced diver. Despite
there being one or two surprises for all, that statement holds true.
Effectively a repeat of trip 1,with Sports divers learning new skills.
"Can you sign me up for crab dressing, or scolly cleaning". Good
job there isn't one for beer consumption. We didn’t get out to our usual
marks due to the tail end of one of the many hurricanes that blighted The
Caribbean this year, even to the extent of being blown off for the first time
ever. [Ashley makes wicked tea and the other stuff please note]. Despite
losing a day and a half, the overall event was a screaming success. Needless
to say, we have booked Mye and Skull for next-----what the hell is in this
stuff! I'm getting my worms all mixed up. Thank goodness for that! Sorry Dudes, I've
just gone back on Bombadier. What a relief! Which brings me to Prima's next
blag of the year, run by our own "Bombadier" Phil, who his not hay
lar-de-dar but who his hay lovely boy with hay fine pair (hof shoulders).
Even Phil was blown away by the "OUT OF THIS WORLD" mansion that
Lin had found for us to stay in. Something she has a habit of doing.
Driveways can be iffy though. Our marshal looked after us well after a huge
breakfast served on a dustbin lid. How nice it was to see Julie, Tony and
larger but no less well behaved version of Sam. It was also good to see Ian
again, who showed up just in time to seek emergency phone reception on higher
ground. Well they had to give John a lift to hospital you see. By helicopter.
"How come" you ask? Because John likes donkeys, especially brass
ones. Not being content with our series of dives at Hodges and the
entertainment put on by John, the weekend was nicely rounded off, by a slap
up botty burner in The Sangam Indian Resturant. Take your own drinks, food is
unreal. Do it again Phil. Don’t do it again John, please. At this stage I'm now struggling to
understand how folks managed to fit in shore dives, river dives, dives
abroad, social events and fund raising. But still the sheets came flooding
in. Even the "Pike on a Bike" event raised dive numbers, not to
mention what it achieved in terms of much needed funds for the RNLI. The
whole performance reflected the very nature of the Prima membership.
Incidentally, if Trish shakes her tick tacks at you, I suggest you give
generously and don’t argue. With the water temperature now falling off
rapidly, you might have expected things to slow down. Forget it. Four hours
in the water on the Search and Recovery course, should have been enough for
anyone. "Can we do a dive on the way back", they said, I didn't
have the energy to argue. While we are on the subject though, a big thank you
to the instructors for making it an excellent course. They being Rob
Marshall, John, Phil and Chris. What bothers me most though, is with the
amount of dives you Muthas are knocking up, sooner rather than later a find
is inevitable. I dread to think what may discover itself being projected
skywards away from the seabed. I have nightmares of a hefty hand on my
neckseal followed by the words "do these people belong to you sir?"
If a stranger arrives at the door I hide and send Fay or Cheryl. And you know there was a time when a lie in
was possible at weekends. This being when the kids had grown out of squailing
incessantly you understand. A lie in for me these days would mean me getting
blathered out of both brain cells the previous night. Winter is no longer any
form of deterant. The "Black Sheep" has put the mockers on that
with his Dosthill Survey. Even Aggi is doing it with his obsession for night
diving. And which prat came up with the idea of "Dive Monster". Try
as I may, I can not keep you lot out of the water. By now I imagine you want to know what I
have in mind for 2005.Well, not telling. Have to come to the AGM. This letter
is turning into a flaming book! What? You want to go diving? In this? I don’t
care what they may have on at The Fox------what did you say is on at The Fox?
You sure? Ive got 40 bar. Suppose we could squeeze one in. Who is up for it
then? How many? See You at the AGM Al |