MODEST PROPOSALS (2002)

12 june 2002 - offside, the commonwealth institute, london

This transcript is of a talk commissioned as part of the Offside event at the Commonwealth Institute in London on June 12th, 2002. The talk was one of three presented as a response to the 2002 Commonwealth Games. The other presentations were by Guardian journalist Gary Younge and performance poet Francesca Beard.

A few months ago, Joshua of Spread the Word approached me and asked me to present a response to the Commonwealth Games as part of tonight's Offside event, and having no interest in sport whatsoever, I naturally jumped at the chance. So, as is customary in the Commonwealth Games, and indeed any other sporting event, I'd like to begin with an opening ceremony.

(Set off party popper…)

Thank you. I want to begin by saying a few words about the city that will be hosting the Commonwealth Games this year…now as we all know this city is a beacon of cultural pride for this country, with a unique history all of it's own. The second largest seaport in Great Britain, it was developed chiefly in the 17th Century during a time of prolific industrialisation in South Lancashire. Nowadays it is undergoing something of a renaissance, with visitors travelling from far and wide to sample its shopping, its galleries, and of course, its legendary nightlife. It is also considered (I think you'd all agree) to have produced one of the finest football teams in the world, and I think the wonderful thing about the fact that the Commonwealth Games are being held in Liverpool this year is that this will be the first time that a major sporting event… I'm sorry…did I just say Liverpool? And the games are actually being held in Manchester?

(Pause - flick through notes)

Right…if that's the case, there may be a few…anomalies…in some of my preparatory material. You see…I thought it was Liverpool. I'll…er…I'll work round it.

(Remove cloth revealing patch of ground - gesture towards it) MANCHESTER!

Now used phrase 'cultural pride', and it has been acknowledged that this city has been instrumental in the shaping of musical history. Manchester as we know, was the birthplace of seminal bands such as (Hold up Beatles record sleeve) The Smiths. This influential band had a raft of hits such as Love Me Do, Ticket to Ride and Girlfriend in a Coma. Lead singer Morrissey, pictured here third from the left (Point at Ringo Starr) went on to have an at times, erratic solo career. But of course I'm not here to talk about music. I'm here to talk about the sport. Or more specifically, I'm here to talk about sport…in relation to the Commonwealth Games IN MANCHESTER. (Gesture to mud patch) By the way, this square of earth and rubble represents a generic undeveloped patch of ground…it's not in any way a comment on the state of Manchester - on it's amenities, or infrastructure. Although some people would beg to differ on this point - just listen to this - this is a letter I found in a copy of the Metro newspaper from a few weeks back:

VAGRANT MENACE ON OUR STREETS BEGGARS BELIEF:

I have just learned that Peterborough City Council are to introduce a by-law later this year which bans Big Issue sellers from its streets on the grounds that they have become a nuisance to shoppers. I wish Manchester City Council would introduce a similar by-law and extend it to make sure our streets are cleared of vagrants and beggars who constantly pester people for spare change. On the short walk from Manchester Piccadilly to the bus station, I have been accosted on five separate times in one journey and find this situation wholly unacceptable. Why are these irritants not removed from our streets, especially with the forthcoming Commonwealth Games to consider? What sort of impression will this give visitors to our city? I pay my taxes and should not have to put up with being pestered each time I venture outside. Paul Deakins, Manchester.

Indeed, a cogent and heartfelt missive. Might I be allowed to make a suggestion? Bald Poststructuralist Michel Foucault, renowned purveyor of Gallic obfuscation claimed that mankind could be controlled through the mere strategic placement of stone. I'm talking about what has been described an 'anti vagrant' trend in modern architecture - jagged surfaces for example can prevent the 'irritant' from sitting down; sloping surfaces can prevent 'the irritant' from lying down. Now putting aside the fact that the fourth largest economy in the world doesn't seem to have the wit or wherewithal to build a national stadium in the capital, lets just say that this is the ground on which will be located a new state of the art athletics stadium.

(Reveal small cardboard model of stadium - place on patch of ground)

Underneath the areas where 'the irritant' could potentially take shelter, such as an overhanging buttress or canopy, we can locate architectural features such as these.

(Reveal and hold up bed of nails - remove stadium and place nails on patch of ground)

So Mr Deakins can rest assured, (sit on nails briefly) two inch nails such as these set in concrete could certainly inhibit the possibility for a good nights sleep down there. So here I'm looking at the ways that surfaces can be used to keep undesirables away from the stadium during the Games. So lets move on from anti-tramp paving strategies and onto sporting activity itself - because now, I'd like to talk about rubber.

RUBBER

(Reveal rubber patch) Mmmm, there's something about rubber isn't there? The smell of it, the taste of it, feel of it against one's bare skin. Anyway, I've been doing a little research on this, and I can confirm that the actual surface being used on the running track in the City of Manchester Stadium will be (shuffle through papers) will be the Atlas Poly-4000 which is manufactured by American based company Atlas Tracks. I've an example of it here. I just want to say a few words about the advantages of the Atlas Poly-4000 track system… (Place rubber patch on table)

This is it! The next evolutionary step for track surfaces. A unique and specifically engineered combination of fibrous rubber and petro-chemical binders, the Atlas Poly-4000 features a rubber bound base mat topped with multiple layers of coloured EPDM rubber granules encapsulated in a coloured polyurethane structural spray coating, utilising SBR and polymer resin binders.

…fascinating. Sorry…I wish to make it quite clear that I am not attempting in any way to use this talk as some kind of sales pitch for Atlas products

(Open briefcase and put back papers - Atlas logo revealed)

Now I'd like to test the possibilities for this surface - to really put it through its paces.

(Draw on three white circles. Take snails from briefcase and place with finishing tape on the track. Fire pistol and start stopwatch)

And they're off

(Long pause. Look at stopwatch)

We'll come back to this…(put rubber patch aside)

GRASS

(Reveal grass patch) Mmmm, there's something about grass isn't there? The smell of it, the taste of it, feel of it against one's…

(Place grass patch on table) This part of my talk is entitled 'notions of authenticity'. Now, astro turf versus real turf - the debate rages on. This is a patch of astro turf, and of course, it doesn't smell and has no taste to speak of. But here we have the polyethylene yarn fibers that can approach up to 2 inches in height, resembling actual blades of grass…

(Pause. Look at grass patch. Take out scissors and begin to trim. Place figurine on grass)

Ok. The addition of a small cardboard figurine of a New Zealand rugby player introduces a sense of scale. Now this addition (Place toy rugby ball on grass) confuses that sense of scale somewhat. But in some ways, that's exactly what I'm trying to do. Back in the 60's the introduction of Astroturf was viewed with Luddite suspicion, and not so long ago in the world of football, the proposal to 'move the goal posts' wider apart was greeted with similar scepticism. These discussions occurred during the 1994 World Cup tournament in the US, because it was suggested that as the Americans were so used to their indigenous sports using such high figures in terms of scoring, they would have trouble relating to the principle of a mere one all draw in soccer. Moving the posts wider apart would make a comprehensible score of double figures more likely. Now while football isn't a sport in the Commonwealth Games, it occurred to me that if such an idea were extended to include comparable sports such as rugby, the logical conclusion of this argument would be that the ball would need to be enlarged in proportion to the widened space between the goal posts. This is what I've tried to demonstrate here.

However, consider an even larger ball with a 30 foot circumference for example (reveal very small cut out of player and replace larger figurine) - I'm using a scaled down figurine here. This could create other kinds of difficulties, particularly during a scrum down or line out situation… It's also occurred to me that the anti vagrant slab I demonstrated earlier has a sort of Dadaist Astroturf feel to it. Lets compare and contrast the two.

(Reveal bed of nails. Slam ball on bed of nails. Go back to check on snails)

And the winner is…(Take snails off track and place on small winners podium - lettuce leaf on top podium.)

SAND/GLASS

Now, a slight digression - it has been suggested that the entirety of Western culture is based on binary oppositions - good or evil, black or white, love or hate, right or wrong. The choice is always either or, one to the detriment of the other. Perhaps the same principle can be applied to the notion of track or field. Prestige track events such as the 1500 metres always detract from the valiant efforts of shot-putters and long jumpers going on simultaneously. So, in homage to these unsung heroes, this is an idea to make the sport of the long jump a little bit more interesting in this year's Commonwealth Games.

(Wipe rubber mat and place thin stips of astroturf either side. Place small pair of trainers on track. Pour out by rubber mat)

I think the element of danger - a sand pit filled with broken glass - would certainly draw the gaze of the spectator away from the 100 metres sprint final, or any concurrent medal giving ceremony (gesture to snails). Unfortunately, this was one of my proposals that wasn't so well received. It was suggested in some quarters that the inevitable lacerative injuries to athletes would be unacceptable to the viewing public, particularly those with small children.

(Put fingers in shoes, and 'run' them along track - hold above glass)

But surely, this bitter pill can be sweetened with the knowledge that broken glass is merely a less refined form of sand

(Drop shoes into glass - measure distance covered).

I began with an opening ceremony, so it would seem logical to finish with a closing ceremony. Now according to the Constitution of the Commonwealth Games, this should include the playing of the national anthem.

(Pick up ukulele. Play first section of the star spangled banner. Stop. Pause. Let off party popper)

Thank you

END