CONFESSIONS OF AN IDIOT (2000)

Bare stage. A man enters through gathered audience. He is dressed in a brown wool suit. Over his shoulder is a bag containing a saw, a drill, a jigsaw, a hand saw and footpump. He carries a life size plywood cut out of a man under one arm and under the other arm a workbench. Protruding from his unzipped trousers is a long strip of doweling rod. Upon entering the space he places the plywood on the floor and sets up the workbench behind it. He walks behind the workbench and places his bag on the floor. He opens the bench a little and places the doweling rod in it, securing it in the bench. He then reveals a saw from the bag and begins to cut the wood in half with it. The cut piece falls on the floor. The man picks this up and walks in front of the bench.

"There is substance in the old adage concerning familiarity vis-à-vis contempt, although one could not imagine subscribing to such an aphorism in one's early, embryonic forays into performance art. My recollections are the following..."

Man stands up plywood cut out. Using the cut off piece of doweling to punctuate his monologue, he continues:

"The audience rubbernecks as the body petrifies, crippled by possibilities; the stomach tightens, (Point stick) the bowels loosen; (Point stick, gesturing downwards) the nipples harden; (Point stick) the hair parts, (Point stick) the penis distends, (Point stick) the whole body gripped by seizures and tremors, ad nauseum. (Man lets go of cut out - it falls backwards) One tells oneself that time heals, with a cure in the quiet self confidence of the seasoned performer that you see standing before you.

Gesture back to where cut out stood. Look back, then pick up cut out from floor. Prop up with doweling ...

However, new side effects are also manifest when one discovers, as I did, this new hinterland of indubitable comfort in the obdurate gaze of the audience. The possibility of failure was a fundamental motivation in my early performance practise, but the new found contagion of confidence through experience that seemed to obliterate this possibility was also peppered with a hubristic and impudent twist. An awareness of one's weaknesses is a strength, but rampant egotism can so easily ride roughshod over such insight. To counter these burgeoning delusions of grandeur, a panacea was required to rediscover the paradoxical joys of anxiety. In my case, preparation was the scourge that had to be lessened and this evening, I wish to demonstrate a variety of modus operandi to gain atonement in this particular area. Although, I have a feeling that that other old adage regarding one's cake, vis-à-vis the impossibility of its consumption will also be of pertinence here..."

Man removes jacket. Strikes 'C&A' pose whilst tossing jacket over shoulder. He holds pose briefly.

"Firstly I'd like to look at the presence of the performer: But to demonstrate this principle, I must make clear the difference between the two dimensional and the three dimensional..."

Man reveals foot pump from bag and attaches to his chest with harness, then connects valve to inflatable ball hidden in seat of his pants.

"Now watch carefully..."

Man turns back on audience and begins to pump (see right). As the bottom expands, he starts to groan. Once the ball is inflated to its complete size, he stops pumping, and compares bottom size with plywood cut out.

He then places the cut out in the workbench. Revealing an electric jigsaw, he then cuts off the limbs of the cut out (see far left). He proceeds to stuff these down his trouser legs, and the arms of his jacket (see near left). The man then reveals an electric drill from his bag. He drills two 'eye holes' in the head of the cut out. Snapping this off, he applies it to his own head, taping it securely in place. He picks up a saw and walks back to the workbench (the plywood in his trousers inhibit his movements) and attempts to swing on of his legs into the bench. Once this is done, he secures this leg in place by winding the levers of the workbench.

Wielding a saw over this trapped leg, he then uses his other leg to tip the bench forward. He falls onto the floor, his leg now released. He then picks up the electric drill again and standing with his back to the audience switches it on and pushes it into his inflated bottom. As the air escapes, he drops the drill and falls to his knees.

END