Recommended, no, essential,
reading from Hodder & Stoughton
Want to know my secrets on how
not to let your human give you a nasty tasting, horrible pill? If so, click
on the pill...
Smudge, who's slave is Carol
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Simply, because I am! All
of us cats are. In order to let the ones who are still learning catch up I
have made my self available as an Agony Uncle, or this case, Agony King. If
you want to avail yourself of this service then please email me
Dollar@Boringbiker.org
Note: new catmails will be
added from time to time, with the newest at the top. Old ones will
eventually "fall off" the bottom of the page.
The 21st Century Alarm Clock
Innovation
'a must for every home'
Many options are offered by your individual feline alarm clock system. These
include the options of being woken by a) a cool, yet persistent nose being
poked in your eye, b) a vicious cat fight being perpetrated on your bed, c)
a cat digging over the carpet (human translation: 'flushing the toilet') in
the corner of your bedroom, and d) the compelling, crescending sound of a
puss retching (usually near your face). Other feline alarm clock waking
ploys are currently being trialled by many felines in other countries. You
will never know what time your feline will strike or which option your puss
will select for your early dawn delight; you will be surprised anew each
day. If you would like to sample the delights of a feline alarm clock
system, consider 'adopt an Amy' or 'dreams of Dollar'; both immediately
available for your provision of exhaustion.
yours faithfully,
Dollar/Amy Enterprises
Fellow Felines,
Over the last few days, my human has made some disturbing vocalisations including 'cattery', 'vet' and the 'RSPCA'. My human also mentioned the possibility of
surreptitiously sneaking me back into a RSPCA cage during the annual fete, held today! She discussed swapping me for a newer 'non leaking' model or even worse, my human might have brought home from the RSPCA another 'Amy'!!! There is already a puss too many living in my territory! Anyway, I have had to be on my very best pussy behaviour; I have given the human extra patting
privileges and am toileting outside - for the moment!
His Royal Highness, King Dollar the Dreadful esq.
Dear Feline Fans,
During a recent catmail, I elaborated concerning the meaning
of my 'me-ow!' (me - I am the centre of the known universe, and ow! - this
is what happens when a human disobeys a puss!)
Now 'The Amy' is still a little confused. Commonly, she emits a 'me-you?'.
She is not sure who is the most important; myself (Dollar) or herself ('The
Amy'), therefore she is asking, 'me or you?' However, she is very sure that
it is NOT the human! Tonight, I plan to teach 'The Amy' that she occupies
bottom rung in the feline hierarchy - failing this, I will enjoy a
particularly large (and furry) midnight snack!
His Awful Highness, King Dollar the Dreadful
Dear Feline Fans,
As you know, pusses are solitary beings; none more so than the King of the
Beasts (yours truly), not giving to mingling with lesser creatures such as
humans or 'The Amy'. However, there was a rare occasion of cat-cooperation
recently with 'The Amy', in order to maximise our control over the human.
Items agreed on:
- we (Dollar & 'The Amy') are not 'lap cats'! The human likes our
close presence as she caresses and smooches , therefore, we will NOT afford
her lap privileges unless she is eating or reading a large newspaper (i.e.
in order to inconvenience her)
- we (Dollar & 'The Amy') will both jump onto the bathroom vanity with
our front paws resting in the sink when we require a drink of fresh water.
In time, our puny human will leave this waterfall running continually for
our use when she tires of being frequently commanded to release the
waterfall.
CAT-CONFERENCE SUSPENDED AT 3.28AM FOR A MUTUAL GROOMING SESSION
Please note I maintain my mission to harass/dominate 'The Amy' and may
exercise my option to eat her is she becomes especially irritating (or if my
human is late delivering dinner).
Dollar the Dreadful, King of the Beasts
Dear Dollar,
Meow purr mew. I have a problem with my human, she took an embarrassing
"photo" of me while I was asleep. How do I fix this problem? The "Misty"
doesn't seem to mind the "photo" of her wearing my human’s sunglasses but at
least she's not lying on her back showing off her vulnerable belly. What
would you do in this situation? Another thing that’s worried me is
apparently my human got an idea of getting a new kitten (perhaps to replace
me) from your human. I've been following all your instructions on training
my human and it was going perfectly until these minor problems came up.
Please Help.
Your loyal subject,
Turbo.
King Dollar, Turbo -
My suggestion is to get your own back by embarrassing your human by walking
into her bathroom when she is reclining in the hot soapy water. Boy, Oh boy!
You should see my human - Looks like a cross between a white, beached whale
and a wrinkly walrus!
Smudge
Dear Turbo,
Re your second question first: the answer lies with our colleague Garfield
who when he was asked which goes first with age - eyes, back, he answered
'the kitten' and booted the offending kitten out the door!
If your human does bring an annoying kitten home, your other options include
'helping' it leave on its own accord by making it very clear that yours is a
single cat house-hold and it is NOT welcome or perhaps eating it, as 'young'
meat is generally quite tender. (If you take this option, I suggest that you
hide the evidence from your human, as they get quite emotionally attached to
kittens). Regarding your fist question, you could try weeing on the human's
camera to prevent further indiscretions. I have just toileted on my human's
camera, but she is yet to find out about that......
Your king,
Dollar the dreadful
Dear Turbo,
Why don't they name us after something good, like I could be called 'tuna' -
no offence, my young apprentice, but to be named after an engine part is an
absolute insult! (I suggest you don't respond when she calls you by that
name!) 'The Amy' & I regularly inspect the human in the bath - she thinks we
are being sociable, but we too, just cant' believe our eyes! In fact, 'The
Amy' actually fell in once - she got such a shock!
We are having a puss party in September 2002 for 'The Amy' - she turns one
year- cannot invite you because there are already one too many pusses
staying here, if you know what I mean! My human is arranging special feline
delights and party games like 'pin the tail on the dog' etc and there will
be a cake (hopefully made out of
liver!) in the shape of a puss face with whiskers - I will be so
disappointed if it is a flour based cake! Remember to keep your human under
your paw at all times - if you let her get the better of you even once, she
wont' forget it and will try to be your boss.
Your feline felon,
Dollar the dreadful
Fellow Felines,
For some time now, there has been much confusion and ignorance amongst your
humans concerning catmunication. As you are all aware, pusses being of
superior intellect to humans have no need for vocalising - tails, whiskers,
ears and the judicious use of teeth and claws are all any feline requires.
(Besides vocalising is just too much effort!) As a concession to the simple
human species, we will also emit a 'meow' every so often. Many foolish
humans regard this as a friendly sign of acceptance. No!, on the contrary,
the 'me...' is communicating that I (the puss) am the most important being
and centre of the known universe, while the '...ow!' is a timely reminder of
feline punishment to recalcitrant humans. Let all humans and other feline
enemies beware!!
His awful highness, King Dollar the dreadful
FREE TO A GOOD (OR BAD)
HOME....
Feline friends,
I had hoped that 'The Amy' would be returned to the RSPCA by now. As she
persists here, it has become my responsibility to train 'The Amy' in pussy
etiquette. Currently, her specific areas of weakness include the following:
Joining a 'single cat' household.
Failing to show appropriate respect for a senior puss (myself); for
example vaulting onto my back, stealing my food and sometimes even my bed
with the human, and generally being a pain in the tail.
Improper use of a puss' tail and whiskers.
Giving free affection to the human (without first making her beg.)
Consuming almost any food offered by the human without holding out
for the gourmet titbits.
Adopting a black coat - everyone knows that all puss' are ginger
(like myself.)
Toileting outside - this is where the human wants us to toilet!
As you can see, 'The Amy' is more like a rat or weasel than a dignified
feline; and so I offer her:
FREE TO A GOOD (OR BAD ) HOME OR A CHINESE RESTAURANT!
To all my furry,
felonious, friendly, feline fans,
and a special welcome to Smudge, who joins us from England. (Picture on
left) Smudge emails
asking my advice regarding a very common problem he has with his human
slave, Carol. He writes: "my human frequently leaves me at home without her
services (and my permission) while she attends 'work'. All she has to show
for this is bits of paper with numbers on them; nothing useful like pussy
tuna! What is a puss to do if he requires hand feeding of delicious titbits
or a scalp massage while being spoken to in loving, gentle tones? How can I
train my human in this area?"
Well, Smudge,
I suggest that you trip her up 'accidentally' on the staircase with
your long pussy tail simultaneously with a quick nip to the ankle. This will
result is her injury; necessitating a prolonged recuperation at home, during
which you will train her to not wander from home. A word of warning,
however, if your human injures herself severely during her 'accident', you
may have to 'put her to sleep' and obtain a new slave. Hope this helps,
Smudge.
May your domains be filled with interesting smells and prey,
Dollar the Dreadful and his side-kick, Amy the Amorous
A catmail from 'The Amy'
Meow are you? As 'Puddles' (AKA Dollar) is hibernating, I have taken it upon
my pussy self to catmail you all. I am too busy to hibernate - too many bed
mice to pounce on, interesting kitchen smells to investigate and I'm
constantly on the prowl for food (I'm a growing girl!) Training my human is
time consuming but worthwhile - she now knows that I expect her presence
while I'm eating and has become more compliant and obedient. My latest trick
is to use the inside of the wardrobe as a scratching post, however overnight
some carpet has grown there - spoiling my fun! I particularly enjoy
harassing Dollar - as I am particularly cute, gorgeous, innocent and just a
baby, he generally gets the blame, which affords me much glee and a pussy
chuckle or two! Time for more mischief...
Princess Amy the Amorous
Dear King Dollar and Amy the Aromatic,
I have to ask your advice on very important matter. I have been expected to
kill rats and smaller rodents and I do not like anything that energetic
unless they run into my mouth. How should I handle this problem?
Secondly, I will be moving to Shoalhaven Heads in few months and there are
lots of aggressive Possums living in the tree next to the house, should I go
about evicting these pests that will no doubt interrupt my sleep and other
pussy activities. Purr and meow,
Ninja.
Dear Ninja,
It would appear that your human slave considers you to be a 'working cat';
you have not made it clear to her from the outset that you are a
relax-a-puss; designed to be pampered and hand fed delicious titbits of
prawns and gourmet tuna, while you are gently massaged in that special place
on your scalp! I suggest that you commence the slave's training immediately!
Cease any interest in catching rodents - this is what the 'barking cats'
(dogs) are there for - what other use do they have?
Re the possum problem - they have nasty sharp claws and they do not
cooperate with you as prey, so I suggest that you stay indoors at night, as
the possums are more likely to be active at dawn and dusk. Remember that you
are king of the beasts - you can afford to be magnanimous with possums, but
your human needs 'sorting' - your main weapons include teeth, claws,
toileting site, pet hair and the withholding of all affection - let her know
who is boss! Finally, live your life in the here and meow and always keep a
positive cattitude!
King Dollar the Dreadful and Princess Amy the Aromatic |
