1
When Our Lord took a walk on the sea,
He said, ²Donıt give the credit to me,
Youıll find the solution
Is due to pollution,
Even atheists walk Gallilee.²
2
An epistle Paul penned to Galatians
Reveals he was quite out of patians,
³I said, Love one another
Like sister and brother,
Not indulge in incestuous relations!²
3
Gloated Paul as he penned an epistle,
³Iım fairly certain that thisıll
Put a stop to their fun
For a long time to come,
I really love blowing the whistle.²
4
I know it is true for a fact
An apostle was caught in the act;
Observed the intruder,
This could get a lot lewder,
One of us must withdraw with great tact.²
5
When Daniel was thrown in the den
The lions sniffed him all over and then
Sprayed him with must
And walked off in disgust.
³We are fed up to here eating men.²
6
While Our Lord was up on his cross;
The soldiers all played pitch and toss
To determine just whose
Were his jalebia and shoes
Which heıd hired for the trial from Moss Bros.
7
When Lazarus was raised from the dead,
After lying for days on his bed
Our Lord sniffed his breath
And said, ³This isnıt death,
This blighterıs stoned out of his head!²
8
God gave the commandments to Moses
In the hope of a metamorphosis,
And though they did change
It seems somewhat strange,
They may still be discerned by their noses.
9
In Caana -- thatıs out in the east,
Our Lord was a guest at a feast;
He turned water to wine
By his powers divine,
Or was it just quick acting yeast?
10
When Our Lord sent the Gaderine swine
To their doom down that awful decline
A voice in the crowd
Cried out aloud,
³Oi Mate! Them porkers is mine!²
11
When St Nicholas went for his sled
The reindeers were all still abed,
He didnıt know
They were on a go slow.
So we had Xmas at Easter instead.
12
When Moses came down from the hill,
He said he was bearing Godıs will
His mate Aaron said
³I didnıt know he was dead,
I didnıt even know he was ill!²
13
St Peter was rarely at ease
As he followed Our Lord on his knees;
What kept him down there?
Was it piety or prayer,
Or the weight of that great bunch of keys?
14
When Herod was King of the Jews,
Wise men brought him very bad news
Of a child whoıd been born
One bright Xmas morn
And was keen to step into his shoes.
15
Herod sent for a murderous band
And issued a Royal Command.
³Kill all boys under two,
No matter who,
I want to see blood on the sand!²
16
Now Joseph was nobodyıs fool,
Knew his son was really Godıs tool;
Said, ³Mary my dear,
Itıs unhealthy round here,
Itıs Egypt for us! Catch the mule.²
17
St John was funny old bird
Confusing us all with the word;
Which he claimed was with God,
And whatıs rather odd,
Was God! Quite absurd!
18
St Martha who washed Our Lordıs feet,
Abhorred the long summerıs heat:
Though she loved the Lord well,
She hated the smell,
And often collapsed in a heap.
19
When Salome danced for the king,
He said she could have anything;
She asked mum who said,
³Ask for Johnıs head,
On a plate --- a nice piece of Ming!²
20
When Joseph dressed up in his coat,
His swanking got everyoneıs goat,
` But he got his come-uppance
When they sold him for twopence
As a slave to row Pharoahıs boat.
21
When Adam clapped eyes upon Eve,
His common sense urged him to leave,
But heıd fallen in lust
With her bottom and bust,
And caused Eve to conceive I believe.
22
St Luke was a noted physician
Who followed Our Lord on his mission;
Whatıs rather less known
Is his work with St Joan
Perfecting the missionary position.
23
A peculiar saint was St Mark,
Always afraid of the dark
Since Old Mother Hubbard
Locked him in her cupboard
And kept him there for a lark.
24
St Matthew collected the tax
And excelled at persuading the lax
To part with their cash
As quick as a flash
By twisting their arms up their backs.
25
On the road to Damascus one night
Paul witnessed a great heavenly light;
For days he was blind
But it altered his mind
And he knew that Our Saviour was right
26
Whilst Peter was kept in the Quod,
His brethren were praying to God
To spring him from nick
And pretty damn quick
Which He did that night ---- clever sod!
27
St James assumed many names
To avoid pursuit by those dames
With whom heıd had dalliance
And promised an alliance
And were pressing paternity claims.
28
The most courteous of saints was St Cloud,
Who would always say ³Houd doud youd doud²
To the folks he would meet
As he walked down the street,
No matter their creed or their houd.
29
Joseph was loud in complaint
When he found his betrothed was enceinte,
³Iım not carrying the can
For some other man.
You may think Iım daft -- but I aint!²
30
Joshua was born to a Nun,
Albeit a peculiar one,
Sheıd been legally wedded
And quite properly bedded;
There are very few nuns with a son!
31
When Jehovah chucked Lucifer out,
He came down to earth with a shout,
³Iıll cause trouble at mill
By thwarting Godıs will,
Weıll soon see whoıs got the most clout!
32
The contest has raged now for years,
And history confirms our worst fears,
We have to concede
Old Nickıs in the lead
I fear it will all end in tears.
33
When Jonah was locked in the whale
Securely as if in a jail,
He was in at the start
And playing his part
In the very first fishermanıs tale.
34
The Bishop of Cardiff, John Ward
Whoıd devoted his life to Our Lord,
Harboured two priests,
Lascivious beasts;
And was forced to fall on his sword.
35
Pope John was blessing the crowd
On the balcony praying aloud
When someone below
Said "What I want to know
Is why ain't French letters allowed?"
36
A Witness who worked for Jehovah
Was knocked down by a car and run over,
It did him no good
To refuse to have blood
Sadly, now he's passed over.
37
Elijah was quite short of hair
And certain rude people would stare,
Some youngsters said,
"Go up thou bald head!"
God sorted them out with a bear.
By Derek Smith