My Fellow Christians I have been
Compelled by God to speak -
So listen up, you holy hordes,
I'm not some kind of freak,
Some mad deluded prophet
Dressed in skins, with matted hair:
Oh no, I'm normal - just like you -
Yes, you lot sat out there!
Oh yes, and this applies to those
Who are not Truly Saved
Who walk the sinful streets of life
With appetites depraved!
My message? Oh I quite forgot.
Hang on, it's coming back.
Ah yes, that's right - God said to say
....oh bugger, I've lost track....
No, no, He's through again! The Voice
Rings true and loud and clear!
God says that things in Palestine
Are complex, sad and queer.
Oh such a help to have the truth
Spelled out in simple terms!
It's only God can do such things,
To help us human worms!
We need such help, we're far too thick
Ourselves to work out Truth -
We need the bible to explain
And offer Holy Proof!
For after all we cannot trust
This foul world's wicked wiles -
It's full of sinners everywhere
Seducing us with smiles...
Myself I get this constant need
To preach the Will of God
To stand up in the market place
So bravely on my tod
And tell the folks who shuffle past
The things that God has said -
That they're all trash and going to Hell
As soon as they are dead.
That god hates sodomy and sin
And contraceptives too
Abortion and abortionists
And language that is blue
He hates the wicked scientist
And other wicked fools
Who dare to think and question Him
And argue with His rules
He hates the Jews and Muslims and
The atheists as well
And all agnostics will, like Hindus,
Roast for e'er in Hell -
And not just them, but Catholics
And Buddhists and the rest -
In fact it's only folk like me
Who are the Truly Blessed!
Repent! Repent! The Time's at Hand
And Judgement Day will come
And I'll be Raptured through the air
And you'll be on your bum
And all the people just like me
(The Holy Ones, the wise)
Will listen smugly from our clouds
At your grief-stricken cries
And we will know that our friend, God,
Will punish you forever
Because you didn't listen up
And join our great endeavour!
OK, that's it, I've said my bit
And now it's up to you -
Reflect upon my Prophet's words:
Do what you have to do.
But don't forget that now you've heard
These Words of Truth from me
Unless you get on board my boat
You're damned eternally!
I know, I know, it's tough, it's hard
But that's the way with life:
The point of God has always been
To multiply our strife!
by Norman Pridmore