PART 3
Well anyway we settled down
In Nazareth - a flyblown town.
I grew up strong, I learned a trade
My puberty was not delayed.
I did a miracle or two
(pure sleight-of hand, to tell you true)
And preached a bit around the place
So people got to know my face.
I even healed the maimed and sick -
It's easy when you know the trick:
As long as you chose carefully
And seem to do it prayerfully
You get the most superb effects
And gather lustre - which reflects
Upon one's strange ability
To deal with disability!
I had disciples, twelve in all,
To follow at my beck and call -
A few of them were fairly bright:
But most were frankly thick as shite!
I mean, you've only got to read
My parables - oh yes indeed:
With abstract thoughts they could not cope:
Just think of it - I made one Pope!
"Oh tell us stories, master, please"
They'd ask me, on their bended knees -
"They're easier to understand".
I ask you - what a dismal band!
Three years of this was long enough.
I sent out Judas in a huff
To seal my fate and make it certain
I'd soon approach the final curtain!
It's funny being God and man -
You don't just know about the plan:
You make it up, you see it through,
Through thick and thin it's down to you!
My human puppets played along -
Acted their roles: not one went wrong!
Arrested, tried - a little whipping
And soon to heaven I was shipping!
Up upon the cross I went -
Those sodding nails made such a dent!
They stabbed me with a spear as well
(the bloke that did that's gone to Hell).
I writhed a bit, I coughed, I croaked -
My hands and feet with blood were soaked:
Enough to make it worth my while
To go through such a stupid trial!
I'd told myself that I'd done well -
Had bled enough my lust to quell
I 'spose I could have bled some more:
(As god I love excess of gore) -
But one has got to drawn a line
And not appear a greedy swine -
Four pints of godblood did the trick:
Oh slurp slurp guzzle, lick lick lick!