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	the best of LaughNet insults
	A haemorrhoid on the face of the world. A kangaroo loose in her top paddock. A legend in his own mind. A penalty kick over the bar. A violin minus the bow. All foam, no beer. All hat and no cattle. All his eggs in the same basket. As popular as a French kiss at a family reunion. As sharp as a bag of wet mice. As sharp as a mashed potato sandwich, and twice as smart. Batteries not included. Born ugly and built to last. Busier than a one-armed paperhanger. Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff. Can easily be confused by facts. Can't find his ass with two hands and a flashlight. Can't tell his ass from a hole in the ground. Cart can't hold all the groceries. Confused as a baby in a topless bar. Couldn't get a clue during clue-mating season in a field full of horny clues if he smeared his body with clue musk and did the clue-mating dance. Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel. Couldn't hit water if he fell out of a boat. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. Couldn't tell which way the elevator was going if he had two guesses. Couldn't write dialog for a porno flick. Differently clued. Dock doesn't quite reach the water. Does the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box. Doesn't have all his groceries in the same bag. Doesn't have both oars in the water. Doesn't have the brainpower to toast a crouton. Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker. Doesn't have two neurons to rub together. Driving at night with the lights off. Fifty-one cards short of a full deck. God might still use him for miracle practice. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. Has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together. Has an inferiority complex, but not a very good one. Has delusions of adequacy. Has the brains of a cooked turnip. Has the IQ of a salad bar. Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited. He came, he saw, he clutched. He has a bad brains-to-balls ratio. He is a mouth-breather. Hears everything that a dog can. Her blender doesn't go past "mix". Her body is rejecting her. Her head doesn't cast a shadow. Her lint trap is full. Her sewing machine's been out of thread for some time now. Her wheels are turning but she's upside down. Her wipers don't touch the glass. His actual mileage varies. His elevator is stuck between floors. His family tree is a telephone pole. His head whistles in a crosswind. His motto is: Space, the final frontier. His page was intentionally left blank. His seat back is not in the full upright position. If brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow the wax out of her ears. If brains were gasoline, he wouldn't have enough to drive a dinky car around the inside of a rice crispy. If brains were lard, he'd be hard pressed to grease a small pan. If he didn't exist, he wouldn't be worth inventing. If he had another brain cell, it would be lonely. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. If ignorance were bliss, she'd be orgasmic. If not for his scrotum, he would lose his balls. If they each had half a brain, they'd still only have half a brain. If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. It's hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm. Keeps his imagination on a long leash. Knitting with only one needle. Left the store without all of his groceries. Nice house but not much furniture. Oil doesn't reach his dipstick. One bead short in her rosary. One beer short of a six-pack. One clown short of a circus. One crouton short of a salad. One flying buttress short of a cathedral. One pane short of a window. One pea short of a casserole. One sandwich short of a picnic. One saucer short of a tea service. One sheep short of a sweater. One song short of a musical. One tree short of a hammock. Only occasionally wets himself under pressure. Only opens his mouth to change feet. Over the rainbow. Overdue for reincarnation. Paralysed from the neck up. Put a lens in each ear and you've got a telescope. Puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn't annoying. Serving donuts on another planet. Sharp, like stone in river. Swift, like tree through forest. Swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool. The best part of him ran down his mother's legs. The IQ of a fencepost. The spit valve's fallen off his trumpet. The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead. Thinks male zebras are the ones with the black stripes. Thinks Moby Dick is a kind of venereal disease. Took the little bus to school. Useful as a kickstand on a horse. Useful as a mint-flavoured suppository. Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck. Warranty expired. When she dances, she makes the band skip. When she was born the doctor slapped her mother.
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