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120 ways to sell a security proposal
- Describe your idea using interpretative dance.
- Stage your own death.
- Lead the meeting in a Mexican Wave.
- Have a sing-a-long.
- 'Ladies and Gentlemen, as I dim the lights, please hold hands and concentrate so that we may channel the spirit of Lord Marks...'
- Have bodyguards outside the room to 'discourage' certain people from sitting in.
- Puppet show.
- Group prayer.
- Animal sacrifice to the god of the underworld.
- 'I'm sorry, I can't hear you - there's a banana in my ear!'
- Imitate Groucho Marx.
- Mime.
- Hold a Tupperware party.
- Have a bikini-clad model be in charge of changing the overheads.
- Charge a cover and check for ID.
- 'In protest at our government's systematic and brutal oppression of minorities...'
- 'Anybody else as drunk as I am?'
- Use a Super Soaker to point at people.
- Surreptitiously fill the room with laughing gas.
- Door prizes and a raffle.
- 'Please phrase your question in the form of an answer...'
- 'And now, a word from our sponsor...'
- Present your entire talk in iambic pentameter.
- Whine piteously, beg, cry ...
- Switch halfway through your talk to Pig Latin. Or Finnish Pig Latin.
- The Emperor's New Slides ('only fools can't see the writing...')
- Table dance (you or an exotic dancer).
- Fashion show.
- Previews, cartoons, and the Jimmy Fund.
- Two-drink minimum.
- Incite a revolt.
- Hire the Goodyear Blimp to circle the building.
- Release a flock of doves.
- Defence by proxy.
- 'And now a reading from the Book of Mormon...'
- Leave Jehovah's Witness pamphlets scattered about.
- 'Will you marry me?'
- Bring your pet boa.
- Tell ghost stories.
- Do a 'show and tell'.
- Food fight.
- 'Duck, duck, duck, duck... GOOSE!'
- 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National Anthem...'.
- Sell those big foam 'We're number #1' hands.
- Pass out souvenir matchbooks.
- 'Tag - you're it!'
- Circulate a vicious rumour that the Grateful Dead will be opening, making sure that it gets on the radio stations, and escape during all the commotion.
- Post signs: 'Due to a computer error, the original room is not available, and the meeting has been relocated to (made-up non-existent room number)'
- Hang a piñata over the table and have a strolling mariachi band.
- Make each person remove an item of clothing for each question they ask.
- Rent a billboard on the highway proclaiming 'Thanks for agreeing' - BEFORE your meeting.
- Make everyone wear silly hats.
- Simulate your experiment with a virtual reality system for the spectators.
- Do a soft-shoe routine.
- Throw a masquerade, complete with bobbing for apples and pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.
- Use a Greek Chorus to highlight important points.
- 'The responsorial psalm can be found on page 124 ...'
- Tap dance.
- Vaudeville.
- 'I'm sorry, I didn't say 'SIMON SAYS any questions?'. You're out.'
- Flex and show off those massive pecs.
- Dress in top hat and tails.
- Hold a pre-meeting pep rally, complete with cheerleaders, pep band, and a bonfire.
- Detonate a small nuclear device in the room. Or threaten to.
- Shadow puppets.
- Show slides of your last vacation.
- Put your overheads on a film strip. Designate someone to be in charge of turning the strip when the tape recording beeps.
- Same as above, but instead of a tape recorder, go around the room making a different person read the pre-written text for each picture.
- 'OK, everybody - heads down on the desk until you show me you can behave.'
- Call your boss 'sweetie'.
- Have everyone pose for a group photo.
- Instant replay.
- Laugh maniacally.
- Talk with your mouth full.
- Start speaking in tongues.
- Explode.
- Implode.
- Spontaneously combust.
- Answer every question with a question.
- Moon everyone in the room after you are done.
- Hand out 3-D glasses.
- 'I'm rubber, you're glue...'
- Go into labour (especially for men).
- Give your entire speech in a 'Marvin Martian' accent.
- 'I don't know - I didn't write this.'
- Before the meeting, build trapdoors underneath all the seats.
- Swing in through the window, yelling a la Tarzan.
- Roll credits at the end. Include a 'key grip', and a 'best boy'.
- Hang a disco ball in the centre of the room. John Travolta pose optional.
- Invite the homeless.
- 'I could answer that, but then I'd have to kill you'
- Hide.
- Get a friend to ask the first question. Draw a blank-loaded gun and 'shoot' him. Have him make a great scene of dying (fake blood helps). Turn to the stunned audience and ask 'any other wise-ass remarks?'
- Same as above, except use real bullets.
- 'Well, I saw it on the internet, so I figured it might be a good idea...'
- Wear clown makeup, a clown wig, clown shoes, and a clown nose. And nothing else.
- Use the words 'marginalised', 'empowerment', and 'patriarchy'.
- Try to use normal printed paper on the overhead projector.
- Do your entire case operatically.
- Invite your parents. Especially if they are fond of fawning over you. ('We always knew he was such an intelligent child')
- Flash 'APPLAUSE' and 'LAUGHTER' signs.
- Have cheerleaders. ('Gimme an 'A'!!')
- Claim political asylum.
- Live radio and TV coverage.
- Hang a sign that says 'Thank you for not asking questions'
- Bring a microphone. Point it at the questioner, talk-show style.
- Use a tele-prompter
- 'Take my wife - please!'
- Refuse to answer questions unless they phrase the question as a limerick.
- Have everyone bring wine glasses. When they clink the glasses with a spoon, you have to kiss your project proposal. Or your boss.
- Offer a toast.
- Firewalk.
- Start giving your presentation 15 minutes early.
- Play drinking games. Drink for each overhead. Drink for each question. Chug for each awkward pause. This goes for the audience as well.
- Swoop in with a cape and tights, Superman style.
- 'By the power of Greyskull...'
- Use any past or present Saturday Night Live catchphrase. Not.
- 'You think this meeting was bad? Let me read this list to show you what I COULD have done...'